Dear ... I just want to chop myself into a million pieces

Right now I feel like the most unproductive, useless human being on the planet. What have I done with my life? Zilch? I decided not to go to class today because I was that undetermined.
I have no best friend. The few friends I have are off doing their own thing and these are people I could not, NEVER, tell my deepest secrets to because I can't even rely on them to come with me to an event or gallery on a weekend. I have no boyfriend. And no I don't give a fuck about the whole "you'll find someone when you least expect it" speech. I feel used by men, maybe I have a sign on my forehead that says "Fuck once and move on". The only relationship I am in is with my sugar daddy. I don't know how much he cares about me. Will he still string me along with all the other women he screws? I justify asking money from him from when I know he plans on meeting his other women or giving them money. And yeah you can sit there and preach being independet but I'm sorry the peanuts I make being a "model" can barely cover groceries for a month, let alone pay rent, so no thanks I don't plan on being homeless right now, because the only thing that would keep me afloat would be prostitution. And I can't even enjoy taking an interest in hobbies because there is a little voice in my head saying you need to be working and get serious. Well Christ, what work can I get in the fashion industry when people don't want to pay?! Not even an internship in sight. I feel so stupid. Like some stupid pretty girl only good to look at, party with, screw and ignore and be flaky about meeting up for lunch with. I look at those fashion blogger girls with envy. How do they do it? What do they have that I don't?


  1. Those blogger girls most likely have rich parents with no interest in them.
    Followed you back from your comment on my blog - refreshing to find someone, like Lily, not afraid of telling it like it is. I've never felt quite as bad as you seem to feel now but the whole last year of my life has been a bit crap - lonely, isolated and sad. It's only now that I have physically moved away and left it all behind that I feel better, but I'm dreading a bit going home for Christmas and being reminded of the comfort of home, the security of my home city, and perhaps seeing the man who unknowingly broke my heart and realising that he has no interest in feeling sorry about it. But that's life. It has its ups and its downs, and it's not up to any one of us to try and convince another that it'll get any better, because that's just unhelpful. But I hope it does for you.

  2. Hey, I'm new to your blog. I'll read the rest after leave this comment.
    It's never as bad as it seems. Email me or whatever if you need a chat. And whatever you do don't chop yourself up lol!
    Also I need some models pretty soon or yeah email me x

  3. You have such a wonderful blog that is beautifully infused with your personality. So you have a lot going for. As far as "those blogger girls"--- that's them, let them be and focus on being Dear Diaryyymmdd! Remember that a dream begins with just one drop of hope and desire. You're on your own way to becoming a much more humbler, laidback, and unique blogger... being one of "those blogger girls" is not for you- you're much more better than that.

    The whole sugar daddy thing... who freaking cares? I'm ruthless when it comes to getting things that I need to live/survive or to just get a damn giggle for my entertainment... do what you gotta do but just remember to take care of YOU. Your Fendi purse, McQueen dress, or pocket change can't do that for you. I think this post was raw and a step in the right direction, now you've just gotta figure out what will make you happy. And you're not alone, you have great followers, like myself, that will always have your back--- that's the beauty of our generation and social media.

    Keep on keeping on and i can't wait to see what is instore for you! :)