So after months of communication and me thinking that I would have left him by Christmas, I had sex with R the other day. When we were in the moment it was good, I just did not appreciate the long, drawn-out foreplay which to me means an emotional connection, which I am afraid to say I feel none to him. The emotional connection I want is with someone else. Someone I know will only love me as a person or casual lover but not as his only partner. Thus I seek solace through sex with others in the hope that it will help ease the pain. I take comfort in knowing that at least my financial security is based on me having to "share" him with others.
I miss the days of college when I dated boys my age. I want someone to love me. To say that I am the only one and that they love me and want to be with me, go with me places. I still find myself longing for J and sending drunk texts to what I think is his number. It's almost been a year. There must be something wrong with my head?