Dear ... self esteem

I hate him sometimes. I hate how wealthy he is and how dependent on him I am, that I have to let things slide, like him having a string of women in different cities. I hate checking my mail and opening his to find some love letter from another girl, who is either stupid enough to think she is the only one, or knows the game and plays it better than me. I have known this for a long time but there is always something new and hurtful that bothers like.

Like the fact that he is going on vacation and has business to do, and I feel like he doesn't take the hint that I want to go with him. He did promise me after all. Maybe just accepting his money is the best revenge of all. I mean, I do see this one guy on the side but I have less of an emotional attachment to him and if we never met again I would still survive. And to think I keep brushing off young cute guys my age (ok some of them are playboys) but for once I would like to have an equal amount of power as the guy I am with. Am I afraid of being too clingy or losing the financial comforts of being with him? I mean it's been almost 2 years, so I know I am ok, but how long before shit hits the fan? I don't even want to think about that. Life would be so much better if I were financially independent, that way I wouldn't have to sacrifice my emotional independence. To think I used to hate girls like me.

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