This may not be the straw that broke the camel's back but I feel like it is a stab in the heart a bit. So here I am snooping through his email .. AGAIN, (bad habit) and it looks like he is going to have a great New Years indeed. The story about not knowing what he will do, and maybe seeing me if he has no plans, may as well go out the window because he booked a business... yes BUSINESS class ticket for this other woman for 2 destinations !! I just know he loved or still loves her because of the exchanges they have had. I still don't understand if she is in her own relationship or at least still holds onto him the way I do for financial support? I am pissed off because she gets to go to these amazing places and be flown in BUSINESS class, not fucking economy like me. OK that is beside the point and is a bit childish on my part but now I see how it goes. If one of us is not available or "suitable" for a certain occasion, then the other one gets chosen.
I am so pissed off and sad at the same time but also so numb. Here I am after a lousy day having told myself I need to make the most of 2011 and this happens?! That's fuckin it! I am not going to be available at his beck and call and he can forget about the Christmas gift I was planning to give him. Here I am pushing myself to be more independent yet sadly still dependent on him and in retrospect I am not getting the most out of this situation as I can.
The hardest part in being in a relationship with a man who is not your boyfriend is you eventually form an emotional connection beyond just sex. It would be far easier to just sleep with him and gain the financial support as well but you have obviously fallen for him emotionally (otherwise you wouldn’t be checking his emails). You know what, who gives a shit what he is doing for New Years, go and purchase the most expensive dress with ‘his money’, go pamper yourself with ‘his money’, and go show it all off to other people ‘but him’. He will soon see that you have been having the time of your life without him and he will soon beckon for your company because you have obviously had such a blast without him thus what a blast he must be missing out on without you, therefore you will soon be the one in the business seat next to him flying to some exotic location in the future. Here’s to 2011 for you!
ReplyDeleteI just re-discovered your blog. I remembered it because one day I sat through reading all of your entries. Your writing is personal, and yet it is interesting... which is quite rare. You have a great blog because you keep things honest.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comment. Purchase some stuff for yourself with 'his money.' Make yourself feel better, and until he makes you feel better, fuck him.