This may not be the straw that broke the camel's back but I feel like it is a stab in the heart a bit. So here I am snooping through his email .. AGAIN, (bad habit) and it looks like he is going to have a great New Years indeed. The story about not knowing what he will do, and maybe seeing me if he has no plans, may as well go out the window because he booked a business... yes BUSINESS class ticket for this other woman for 2 destinations !! I just know he loved or still loves her because of the exchanges they have had. I still don't understand if she is in her own relationship or at least still holds onto him the way I do for financial support? I am pissed off because she gets to go to these amazing places and be flown in BUSINESS class, not fucking economy like me. OK that is beside the point and is a bit childish on my part but now I see how it goes. If one of us is not available or "suitable" for a certain occasion, then the other one gets chosen.
I am so pissed off and sad at the same time but also so numb. Here I am after a lousy day having told myself I need to make the most of 2011 and this happens?! That's fuckin it! I am not going to be available at his beck and call and he can forget about the Christmas gift I was planning to give him. Here I am pushing myself to be more independent yet sadly still dependent on him and in retrospect I am not getting the most out of this situation as I can.