Dear ... relapse

You know if I were to see most girls in my situation I would think that they were in a sense pathetic. Don't get me wrong, I do have a life, but like a drug addict, I do suffer from relapses. I want to call "J" again. I know on New Years eve I sent him a text and he sent me one back wishing me happy holidays, etc, but after that he has not communicated with me. And now I feel this urge to say hello, how have you been? etc. Except here is the part that makes me look even more desperate: I deleted his number and now I am going through my O2 bill online to find it. I have a few potential numbers, but I have even written in to O2 to give me details of texts I sent on December 31st, 2009. God, how sad do I sound?! Have I not gone through a lot of crap in my life to be able to move on? Something 2 days ago, triggered a memory of him. Well that and an ad on TV for the company he owns. So I find his number and then what? Say I just wanted to say hello or say what I really want to say:


He probably doesn't remember me. He probably erased my number too and probably has a new girlfriend. Do I risk looking like a stalker / loser / imbecile or do I take a leap? HELP!! I have 8 numbers that I am about to go through today.

And yeah, I guess I am still in a bit of a love triangle right now. To be honest I want to replace "R" with "J", because I miss J and R is just not my type anymore. Here I go again, clasping at men for comfort. I need a day job. What is wrong with me?


    It's just going to be bad.

  2. Yeah, Ross is right. And if you don't get a reply just let it go. You deserve better. You have a lot of things going for you and don't let one individual affect your life. Your Prince Charming is out there. You just haven't met him yet. The ones you chase are like creatures that cannot be caught.

  3. God, i just found your blog by accident. I read your posts and i completely understand how you're feeling since i've been in the EXACT same situation. I dated this older waelty man for over six months while having some other casual lovers on the side because I knew aswell.. I would never be his actual girlfriend.
    Always feeling this urge to try to communicate with him, to get his attention. Loving the way he pays the rent when youre lacking on money or taking you out to dinner at all these fancy restaurant. Trying so hard to build up this emotional relationship with him. Being at his command when he pleases and hating yourself sometimes because you know you WON'T have this boyfriend-girlfriend relation with him so you SHOULDN'T be at his command.

    I've stapped out of our "relationship" after we sent eachother happy holidays wishes. He did not communicate with me afterwards and I didn't try to aswell.

    Although i miss(ed) him like hell (being with him and his money, I have to admit;)) i saved what was left of my dignity.

    Take this whole experience as a fucking awesome adventure and feel grateful for the things you were able to do while being with him. Realise he just does not make you happy on the long term.