I can't take anymore of this Easter weekend. You would think it would mean more people being around to hang out with, but in fact it feels lonelier. And I've never felt so lonely in my life before. A bit like that one Christmas / New Years when I felt like a mess.
Here I am again, back to square one. Back in the arms of the guy who helps me financially, and it seems giving me all that money a year ago, didn't help me at all. Now I am stuck worried about a trip I'll be going on with people and I am the only one who doesn't have a place to stay. So what's the best solution. Beg him somehow to pay for my hotel. Am I stll trying to play the guilt card? I guess so. Then again if that plan doesn't work maybe I'll join an escort agency and hopefully score a few hundred bucks. After all it's not like I have a sex life, let alone an exciting one. I'm usually the model guys only want a one night stand with or whenever they are in town and have nothing better to do on a Wednesday night. So here I am in need of cash and not enjoying sex, so hey problem solved.
I'm not even excited about going away anymore. It seems like a burden. As if my plans are not falling into place and that I will just fail. Why has nothing gone right for me in my career? Fuckin shit paying jobs and my agency saying I owe them tax money? Fuckin really where did this tax shit come from all of a sudden?!
I'm looking at people I knew going on with their lives. The girl from my agency who has been in a 2 year relationship with that rich guy I once hooked up with, funny enough I'm starting to wonder if that model book belonged to her. Oh well, wether she knows it or not, she got him in the end. She is making her bit of money but living with a guy who takes care of her. Me, on the other hand? Lonely girl in her studio, which she has thanks to the rich guy who gave her money and now that money is dwindling fast. It's not like I spent it on shopping and nice shit. Rent! Fuckin visiting family to deal with shit, bills and other legal matters that cost FUCKIN money.
And oh yeah, then there is the fact that I have no real friends around me. My best friends are on the other side of the world, living their lives, following their career pursuits and here I am still trying to make it as a model and with no other fuckin alternative other than some "arty" degree which would only get me a job where I may as well be making next to nothing, so may as well make next to nothing in fashion.
I know I am supposed to be greatfeul for my life and I am because I am healthy and fit and havea roof over my head, but sometimes there is something else missing and for me it's a sense of purpose on this earth and human connection.