Dear ... winter of 12/13

I haven't written in ages because so many things have happend to me. Good and Bad. But it seems I only ever come here to write about the bad stuff. It's moments like these when I realise I get too caught up in my depression that maybe I don't realise the good things happening around me. Ok, then again just a few days ago I was crying my guts out over the phone to my mom because I am trying to find a place to stay and this guy who I liked and hooked up with over the summer is now hitting on another girl I know. And I let that affect me. And the fact that I barely got any work during fashion week made me feel bad about myself. I know my mum tells me to put my faith in God and realise how lucky I am, how people see this gorgeous girl and think "wow she must be living the life" and yet inside I don't feel that way. 

I am dealing with an agency that doesnt give a shit about whether I work or not, living with a friend who needs me to move out already (TODAY! ) and I still have nowhere to go. Do I not love myself as much as I think I do? What's wrong with me? I try to be a good person, wake up everyday and participate but it's like no one notices me. 

Dear ... taking a fucking leap already

How many times have I been telling myself to take a fucking leap and nothing happens ? I will go ahead and start a business. I will go over to the east and take a risk. I will continue knocking at fashion's doors because eventually someone will open the door for me. I will let go of old love and find new love. I just FUCKING will ! 

Dear ... me

I want to tell myself to stop worrying and being anxious. It will all be alright soon. *sigh*

dear ... YOLO

YOLO. you only live once. yes i know. but i'm also on the verge of being broko. (as in broke). fuck fuck fuck! how much effort do i have to put in for people to notice me. i had an interest from one agency and now i haven't heard from them. did i put my hopes up too soon? should i go back at it again? i don't know. all i know is right now i am bored, tired, have some wierd flu. the weather is cold and fucking sucks ass!! what the fuck is with this country's weather? 

ok, sending out CVs. let's see how it goes. 

dear ... pretty, lonely girl with no human contact

I can't take anymore of this Easter weekend. You would think it would mean more people being around to hang out with, but in fact it feels lonelier. And I've never felt so lonely in my life before. A bit like that one Christmas / New Years when I felt like a mess.

Here I am again, back to square one. Back in the arms of the guy who helps me financially, and it seems giving me all that money a year ago, didn't help me at all. Now I am stuck worried about a trip I'll be going on with people and I am the only one who doesn't have a place to stay. So what's the best solution. Beg him somehow to pay for my hotel. Am I stll trying to play the guilt card? I guess so. Then again if that plan doesn't work maybe I'll join an escort agency and hopefully score a few hundred bucks. After all it's not like I have a sex life, let alone an exciting one. I'm usually the model guys only want a one night stand with or whenever they are in town and have nothing better to do on a Wednesday night. So here I am in need of cash and not enjoying sex, so hey problem solved.

I'm not even excited about going away anymore. It seems like a burden. As if my plans are not falling into place and that I will just fail. Why has nothing gone right for me in my career? Fuckin shit paying jobs and my agency saying I owe them tax money? Fuckin really where did this tax shit come from all of a sudden?!

I'm looking at people I knew going on with their lives. The girl from my agency who has been in a 2 year relationship with that rich guy I once hooked up with, funny enough I'm starting to wonder if that model book belonged to her. Oh well, wether she knows it or not, she got him in the end. She is making her bit of money but living with a guy who takes care of her. Me, on the other hand? Lonely girl in her studio, which she has thanks to the rich guy who gave her money and now that money is dwindling fast. It's not like I spent it on shopping and nice shit. Rent! Fuckin visiting family to deal with shit, bills and other legal matters that cost FUCKIN money.

And oh yeah, then there is the fact that I have no real friends around me. My best friends are on the other side of the world, living their lives, following their career pursuits and here I am still trying to make it as a model and with no other fuckin alternative other than some "arty" degree which would only get me a job where I may as well be making next to nothing, so may as well make next to nothing in fashion.

I know I am supposed to be greatfeul for my life and I am because I am healthy and fit and havea roof over my head, but sometimes there is something else missing and for me it's a sense of purpose on this earth and human connection.

dear ... being my own boss

It's coming together and I am happy but nervous about the idea of running my own business. Of course there are some haters out there, but fuck 'em, I'm living my dreams. I am also hoping I pass all my important exams this month in order to get going with my bigger plans next month.