Dear diaryyyymmdd

Dear ... depression

2012-01-11T11:57:00.003Z

So there you have it. I guess I am kind of an angry, aggresive depressed person if the doctor has to prescribe medication to me. I feel a bit better but I am still not 100% Work is not exactly flowing in.

la vie sera belle

2011-12-24T01:46:00.003Z

Too bad it's not warm enough to jump into a pool where I am. I just want to be light and float and not stress. I miss people I know being around me this time of year. I just hope 2012 will be good to me. Even better. I hope to fall in love, be successful, make money and acheive my goals.

dear ... arguments

2011-12-07T18:41:00.004Z

Great. I just fucked it up with this one. I hate arguments with guys I barely know who I technically don't like thaaaaat much but then again I feel bad for taking a dig at him during the argument. I pretty much confessed how I was not where I said I was and told him it was because I wanted more time away from him, that's why I pretended to be far away from his place. Ok there I said it, now he knows. Take it or leave it. I am not good at this relationship thing. Maybe that's why I am single and alone. He is not "the one" so maybe that's why I left and called him a dickhead. And even though it carried on for a stupid amount of time via text and ended with "I'm sorry" and good night, i really am not that sorry. Oh who the fuck cares. If he doesn't call me, I dont care. I just want life to move on already. I hate dating.

Dear ... holiday season again

2011-12-06T18:42:00.003Z

I hate this time of the year. I am alone as usual, far away from family. No boyfriend. Oh my God, how long has it been? Almost 3 years and still nothing ! No skiing in the winter. Being invited to parties but not really the kind of parties where you feel like you are part of the party. I just want it to be January 1st already.

Dear ... big city small girl

2011-11-28T18:39:00.002Z

It doesn't matter where I am and how many times I have been there, but I feel so insignificant in these places. Like nobody wants me. But I have to think positive and keep the faith. When is it going to be my time?

dear ... new guy who's probably gonna be a player

2011-11-20T13:12:00.007Z

He seems like a nice guy. Tall. A gentleman, who opens the door for me and is quite handsome. In fact he has that Calvin Klein male model hotness about him. I promised myself not to get hurt, to just let go and do whatever. Have that one night stand just ONCE in my life. Ok at this point it is no longer a one night stand because we have met up twice. He could turn out to be a dickhead after I sleep with him for all I know. But I am thinking fuck it. I am going away for a bit anyways, so at least being far away from him will help me get over him and come back ready to move on to other things. As much as I'd like to play the 2 month waiting game, at the end of the day if he is meant to be he will stay around. I'd rather not wait and wonder and be dissapointed later, let me have the bullshit now so that I can move on and focus on other things sooner.

dear ... new dawn, new day

2011-11-17T19:13:00.003Z

I'm in a good place. Excited about my new journey. I'm not afraid. I know I complain sometimes and think life sucks, but it's better than someon elses. I am pushing on forward with this. I don't care how many no's come my way, they will be a yes somewhere there.

dear ... hopes and dreams

2011-11-10T17:20:00.003Z

I have so many hopes and dreams for the next coming weeks. I hope I can make it. I hope someone there notices me and gives me a chance. I want to get out of this fish bowl and into that ocean. This is my chance and I have to make the most of it !

dear ... delete button

2011-11-05T03:39:00.003Z

There comes a time when one needs to " ditch the bitch". The 2 faced bitch. The one who all of a sudden acts like she doesn't know you when she is hanging out with that other motherfucker. Wow, we know each other 2 years and you know her 6 months but you are just going to leave me hanging like that?! Wow. Ok I see you. Go fuck yourself. I deleted you off my social networks, so go fuck yourself. bye !

Dear ... new boy who'd probably gonna fuck shit up

2011-10-28T22:52:00.004+01:00

Oh my God, why am I scared of the simple things in life and I go after the dangerous, dumb or immoral shit? This guy likes me, I like him but I'm thinking isn't he 1 or 2 years younger than me and I need someone who can take control. What the heck he could playing me for a fool for all I know. I think I may as well bite the bullet. Sleep with him by the end of next week and move on. As much as I want to be with someone I don't want this kind of someone. He is not ticking particular boxes that I want right now:

* a fuckin beast in bed ( he looks like the "delicate" in bed type)

*working (not in university) like me

* can take me out to places I want to go to

* OLDER than me ... oh my God I need to check his ID.

Dear ... Belle

2011-10-13T12:10:00.004+01:00

We all make decisions in life that affect us and I am choosing to make this one. I am doing this for myself. It's not that there is no other way out but while I wait for whatever may be, I need to take care of certain things. I feel like my career is stagnant at the moment and I am at the bottom of the pyramid. Who knows where this new venture will lead me to? Will it be successful and help me to do other things in the near future? How will it change or affect me as a person. Quite frankly I am open to a lot of things. Just where I live people go one about their lives like nothing matters. You have a lovely nuclear family which is pretty well off and next door is some seedy Russian mafia type also going on about his life. Upstairs is God knows what. In this apartment it's just me. A normal, single girl who is just trying to keep her head above the water in every way that she can.

Dear ... waiting

2011-10-11T00:57:00.003+01:00

I'm waiting, waiting. Waiting to make it in this fashion industry that has so much to offer but at the same time I feel like I am nowhere near the "promised land". I'm waiting for mr. right. I'm waiting to be taken out on a date for crying out loud. I'm tired of waiting. My mom says everything will come in time. Oh my God when?!! I spend my savings on rent. Money is going out, not coming in. Who knew one can go through so much money so quickly? What's a girl to do to make a quick buck while she waits? I'm tempted.

Dear ... sticky situations

2011-10-07T22:47:00.005+01:00

Tonight I avoided what could have been a "sticky situation". You know, the one that involves your friend who is friends with that girl who is nasty, so you really don't want to go out if she is coming along. Especially if nasty girl is also friends with that guy you had an on and off fucked up relationship with, so the ~~sneaky bitch~~ nasty girl will somehow play on that shit. Ugh, I can't stand girls like her, plus I have spent so much money lately I am not about to waste it on a night that will be full of awkard moments. Fuck it, life is too short. Steve Jobs died and told us to stop wasting our lives living that of others.

Dear ... knocking on so many doors

2011-10-04T20:12:00.003+01:00

When will I get my brig break? I don't fucking know. All I know is, I have to do it on my own and the ones I asked for help and didn't give a shit will remember me when I am famous. Ugh, I need to get away from all this shit. No one understands me. I told a friend a bit about my past relationship with the older guy. My friend practically said, well you know that's like being an escort. Really for 2 and a half years? Whatever man. I have moved on. Gotta keep pushing forward.

dear ... sneaky bitches

2011-09-17T21:59:00.003+01:00

To all the bitches going behind your back and disrecpting girl code.... FUCK YOU, you can have my leftovers. I'm on to the next one.

Dear ... home to be

2011-08-13T19:00:00.003+01:00

Man, sometimes having all this extra money feels like a curse. I'll find a place to live and figure things out. Who I want to be. WHAT THE FUCK I want to do with my life. This fashion world is not taking me anywhere at the moment. I feel like I am fighting on my own and with no amunition. I'm scared I am alone. I have no one to love me or make love to me. Yeah I must love myself, blah blah but when was the last time a guy took me on a date?!! hmm 2 years ago? and no this whole going clubbing and eyeing each other out as future fuck buddies does not constitute as a date. ok i did have dinner a few times with this one guy but he lives in a different country and I just went out with him just to fill up my weekend nights when I had nothing to do. Ugh. My life is sooooooooooooo not where I want it to be.

But let me be grateful I am not in a worse situation.

Dear ... priorities

2011-07-12T14:39:00.002+01:00

It is only now after having had a get together with the guy (who practically sponsored my life here financially) that I realised I was dependent on him too much. My hapiness was jeopardised by the thought that he could replace me with another woman just like that and I was blinded by the fact that he was open from the get go about his lifestyle. I realise I need to be stronger, be more independent. Start a business. Try, if I fail, at least I gave it a chance. Now my biggest worries are being able to live and work and this city as I have to deal with a lot of paperwork in the next weeks to come. I need to cleanse myself of the past. My old habits. I need to renew myself and I hope all goes well and I am setting my sights on conquering the world (so to speak) starting this fall.

Dear ... you again

2011-06-28T20:50:00.003+01:00

I got a little tipsy and went over to this guy's house. This guy who I like but his indifference drives me crazy. But I didn't sleep with him. Haha. Was that a victory or did I make myself look stupid by sleeping over? I'll never know.

Dear ... weight

2011-06-15T20:23:00.002+01:00

OMG I feel like I have the fattest thighs in the fashion biz. I tried the Beyonce aka Maple Syrup diet and didn't last. Now I want to take up some hard core sports to help lose the weight. Trying not to think about food, espcially if I want to look good in those lingerie/bikini pics !

Dear ... society folks

2011-06-06T16:12:00.005+01:00

As much as I hate society people and "girlfriends of " so and so, secretly I envy them. I envy the fact that they don't have to put up with the bs of trying to get noticed and trying to make it. I hate how they breeze through life because of their last names or the names of who they are dating ... or married to. Ugh. Why has it taken me this long to intergrate into this fucking society?!?! It's like when I meet important people I don't know how to deal with them, how to make friends or connections. Here are all those other skinny blond haired blue eyed so and sos bypassing the line which is "life" ! And I only ever seem to attract guys who are well, wierd. Does that mean there is something wrong with me?

Dear ... you, the other one

2011-05-11T00:52:00.004+01:00

I sent one last email for the fuck of it to "the other woman". I told her he was all hers. Don't ask me why I've waited this long, maybe it's because he is so cool about the whole idea and has gone on to fucking her and not wanting to see me , as if it's like flicking a bug off your shoulder. Well fuck it. I had to do it for my own fucked up satisfaction. Whether she brushes it off or tells him, in the end I just want this to be a way to let go off him because I still find myself wanting him to be a part of my life.

Ugh

Dear ... why do you still have this effect on me?

2011-05-02T12:10:00.004+01:00

I saw him again at the club this weekend. After not going out in ages and not seeing him in months, there he was. Right when I entered and was leaving my coat at coatcheck I hear his voice with his groups of friends. Ugh. Why?! And to make matters even more akward he was at a table next to mine. I saw him. He saw me. We saw each other. Blah blah. The awkard hello, we fucked on two occasions, it was wierd and we stopped communicating, and I thought you were mediocre in bed anyways but my heart still skips a beat when I see you. Grrrr ! It's like the one time in my life I hook up with a guy I've only know for about a month (which ok does not make it a one night stand) but still this merry go round shit is happening months on after our encounter. I know it was him you texted me a few weeks back. It's like why do you have my number in your phone still if you are going to text me at 3am in the morning and when I ask why? you keep quiet.

Dear ... everything is happening too fast

2011-04-25T01:26:00.003+01:00

I feel like my emails are never ending. My internship (UNPAID!) to working on my personal endeavors. Then dealing with some immigration bullshit that is giving me a headache. To longing for someone. Is it because my flatmate and her boyfriend are all up in my face 24/7? I'm sure the minute I even start dating I'll want to be single. Since breaking it off with him aka my sugardaddy of 3 years with a gracious cheque under $100, 000. Yep, you read right, in case that gives you an idea of how loaded this guy was. Anyway here I am longing for that 20 something year old boyfriend to kiss me and cuddle me and act like any silly guy his age. But no I am in a career that I am not even sure of which direction it will take in the next couple of months. I am interning at a place run by rich people though expenses are covered but will they hire me after this period. Do I have purpose? Why can't anyone take me seriously?! Am I not trying hard enough. You'd have thought this cash brings me joy but in the end it's like ok now what? I didn't earn it.

Dear ... Runaway

2011-04-07T16:33:00.002+01:00

I wonder if his not responding to my email to thank him for all that we have gone through (or should I say all that I have gone through) was an experience of a lifetime. Well, one I would not advise for young women. So I got a 5 figure sum of money that can keep me living well enough for over 2 years in a nice apartment, etc. but there wasn't even a feeling of joy or hapiness when I got it. It was more like, ok so you are out of my life? I guess a part of me will miss the occasional ride on his private jet or the "what if one day he did take me here or there?" but in hindsight I have to tell myself NO! I want things and life on MY terms. I want being on that private jet or first class to be because I worked my ass off for it. I want to be able to go on vacations knowing that I am with a guy who likes or loves me and is not just jetting in one of his "girlfriends/prostitutes" to keep him company. I don't know if he will ever answer or call me but ..yeah whatever. Listening to Kanye West's Runaway lyrics made me realise that I can't always "Nieman Marcus shop it off" whenever I am upset. Fuck it, he has enough money to buy women in and out of his life. A few years down the line he'll need to buy a new dick because he can't stay that strong and virile and keep up with all those chicks!

Dear ... Billie Holiday

2011-03-27T13:30:00.003+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiJWrzwE9oQ

I think I love this Billie Holiday song more than ever now because I finally understand it because it is happening to me. I see the Chanel ad and just think of a love story between Audrey Tatou and the male character but of course the ad is all about the perfume, while the lyrics are about my life.

I am still in a transition period. I haven't talked to him since 3 days. I am sure once he sends out the huge sum of cash or what I call my walking papers that would that or what? It's not like I never want to see him again. I have a plan to write him a letter. I was advised by a friend to stay calm and never to mention that I know about his emails or access to it because that may set him off and what do I acheive from that? And I guess him being a business man in a particular industry I guess the thought of someone having access to his business emails (of which I had NO fucking interest) may put him a spot where he and his business partners feel threatened. Ugh. I just want to tell him I know and I want to be free and want us to still be friends

Dear ... biting the bullet

2011-03-25T14:47:00.002Z

It's over or at least it's heading that way. I told him that I wanted to use protection (yes after 2 years of not) and he beat around the bush about how it would change things and that he felt it was not necessary. Then he said he didn't want me to see him just for his money so he was offering me a lump sum of cash and that would be that.

HELLO you selfish prick I LOVED YOU as a person for the way he helped changed my life. I try to prove to you all the time that I am working hard at getting a proper job. But it's easy for you to shove money in my hand and say piss off because you have 100 other females to fuck and pay from time to time so what does that matter? SORRY if I want to protect myself from an STD seeing as you only SOMETIMES use protection because you believe you know those other women.

I hope you realised what you have done to me. Maybe seeing your emails was a wake up call to sort out my life. I want to end shit on my terms to. To confess or not to confess? To take the money and walk away or the take the money and say by the way I know about x, y z !

Dear ... alcohol

2011-03-23T16:59:00.003Z

I can't believe I spent this week drinking juice mixed with vodka. In one week on my own I finished a 1 liter bottle. All of this for what? To numb the pain? Of someone who has no idea that what they are doing hurts me? Or rather I am letting it hurt me by poking my nose into what I should have known from the start.

Dear ... fuck fuck fuck !!!

2011-03-19T18:26:00.002Z

So I made contact with "the other woman" and hinted that she was not the only one giving away her ass to him and her response is "that's the deal". wow! I guess she knows the game and is playing it well if she can put up with it. I am getting more and more frustrated about this whole situation it's driving me up the wall ! And I can't tell my shrink because she gets on my fucking nerves half the time with her analysis about my life, ugh! The root of all of this is the fact that I am dependant on him financially plus he has access to so many people and places I don't want to fuck it up before I get what I want. So how does one go about changing the rules of the game without upsetting the player ?!

Dear ... getting away from it all

2011-03-07T02:30:00.003Z

I am getting away for a bit from all this fakeness. From stupid girls whose life revolves around being at a table in a club, to the point where they are scouring for boys to approach. From the "I'll add you to facebook bullshit" when all I want to say is , sorry I am not on facebook. From boys who try to act like men yet are children. From weekends of spending too much on people who spend too little time with you in the first place. From a lot of things really. Time to recharge my batteries and remember what I am here for.

Dear ... getting old(er)

2011-02-27T14:29:00.005Z

There is nothing worse than being in the fashion business and getting older. Being surrounded by girls who are borderline almost 10 years younger than you . It's like where am I going with my life? It feels so unfair as well when you feel like your agency is not pushing you and right now modeling is the only thing I am good at, or at least job that pays so I can't afford to just leave it as well. I worry about what my agency thinks of me.

Dear ... immigration

2011-02-24T00:30:00.003Z

I just hope things will turn out fine for me here. I can't lose all of this. I am so scared that I am running out of time.I don't know what resort I will have to take. I feel like I am back at square one, living in a foreign country and coming from one of abject poverty. A country that can't even sort out my passport and legal documents on time for me to get on with my life here.

Dear ... I want you back J

2011-02-07T16:45:00.005Z

I contacted J again after a year. He was pleased and we have been emailing each other. I miss him so much. I was a different person then. For all I know he could be in a relationship. I just want him to hold me again. Not the person I am currently "with" only because he helps me out financially and now I am less and less interested in this crazy lifestlye of his. Let's just say having a sugar daddy or older rich lover is not all that it is cracked up to be. Ugh. I am waiting for J to reply and then I just want to open a flood gate of emotions at the risk of sounding needy.

Dear ... is it getting better?

2011-02-02T13:17:00.004Z

I hope this is the start of something good to come. Please! For once a little bit of positivity is seaping through into my life.

Dear ... why do I even bother

2011-01-25T22:24:00.002Z

Why do I even bother with checking his emails when I know what to expect more or less? Ok in this case he is seeing this other fuckin tart on Friday, here, in this city of course he is not going to tell me he is back in town. He better not have the nerve to call me this weekend. I guess what still eats at me is the fact that he emails her these tender emails after sending her money, whereas with me, it's just a matter of sending it and that's that. And the fucking nerve he has to be learning French and telling her how they need to practice together the next time she is around, whilst flaunting his skills in front of me. Yeah of course I know now why you are improving because that skank taught you new words after sucking you off !! Gross.

Dear ... hacking

2011-01-15T14:09:00.003Z

I hope to God never to use your emails that I copied and saved onto my computer as ammunition against you. I hope this year I will become more independent and less attached to you and less dependent on you. I just spend an hour putting together all your emails with your other women that you see (including sordid pictures they send to you) in the hopes that I will let the cat out of the bag. Then again one of them knows this is the kind of person you are but the pleasure at the end of the day would be in them knowing who the other is and what they look like and how you write to them all the same way, you can't even be creative in your writin. Yet you don't write to me. Do you love me the least?

Well I guess the main thing is that one day I can get over all of this and never have to reveal to you that I had access to your email all this time and knew what you were up to !!

Yeah I know it's not cool but as much it hurts me to read them (well I have become numb to some of them) at the same time it helps me see where the road ahead before putting on that blind fold and letting you guide me.

Dear ... Shaking hands with the devil

2011-01-12T13:42:00.002Z

I went to bed with a feeling of hate on my mind and it is still there. I can't let it go. I want to throw him against the wall and all the shit that comes along with him. I hate how I depend on him more than those other 2 women do because they work and have their own shit going that they dont need him as much which is why he responds to them more and not me.

Dear ... Ugh !

2011-01-12T03:23:00.003Z

Wow is it so hard for you toreply to my emails yet you reply to that stupied French bitch that you obvisouly fuck on the side?!!! Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you! I know what this means now. Fucking war.

Dear ... God

2011-01-10T15:18:00.003Z

Dear God,

Please can you give me the opportunity to get a follow up on my CV in PERSON with whomever I apply to.

Please let me generate some more income this year as a "model" even though I am nowhere near the like of Abby Lee Kershaw, Freja, Coco Rocha & co.

Please let me meet more sociable and like-minded people at events when I go out not girls giving bitchy side glances and boys who think they are the king because they are pouring me Dom Perignon like it's holy water or some shit.

And please let my guy see that I am TRYING to work as much as I can and that I'm not just lounging about all day spending money.

And please save me from going crazy becuase I really think I am which is why I can't wait to see that shrink on Friday.

Dear ... 2011

2011-01-04T21:56:00.002Z

So I had a conversation about life with him and how I am anxious about making it in this business. He mentions how giving me has been a rather "harmful" idea, yes I know who said I was not trying? Jobs out there are hardly paying if paying at all. Give me a break. I wish someone would give me a break for once. But don't forget you love her so much that money is not an issue. Maybe she works but I don't. I'm sorry I can't live up to her expectations and major fuck ups which you managed to forgive. But at least see where I am coming from. I have nothing and you have everything

Dear ... addicted to the pain

2010-12-31T12:53:00.003Z

Happy New Year. Here I am crying because I realised I am not the love of anyone's life. I feel so alone.

Dear ... I know I'm not your favourite

2010-12-29T14:50:00.003Z

This may not be the straw that broke the camel's back but I feel like it is a stab in the heart a bit. So here I am snooping through his email .. AGAIN, (bad habit) and it looks like he is going to have a great New Years indeed. The story about not knowing what he will do, and maybe seeing me if he has no plans, may as well go out the window because he booked a business... yes BUSINESS class ticket for this other woman for 2 destinations !! I just know he loved or still loves her because of the exchanges they have had. I still don't understand if she is in her own relationship or at least still holds onto him the way I do for financial support? I am pissed off because she gets to go to these amazing places and be flown in BUSINESS class, not fucking economy like me. OK that is beside the point and is a bit childish on my part but now I see how it goes. If one of us is not available or "suitable" for a certain occasion, then the other one gets chosen.

I am so pissed off and sad at the same time but also so numb. Here I am after a lousy day having told myself I need to make the most of 2011 and this happens?! That's fuckin it! I am not going to be available at his beck and call and he can forget about the Christmas gift I was planning to give him. Here I am pushing myself to be more independent yet sadly still dependent on him and in retrospect I am not getting the most out of this situation as I can.

Dear ... professional therapy

2010-12-28T23:36:00.003Z

I am contemplating seeing a therapist because I am so tired of keeping all my frustrations inside. I come so close to telling friends and family my issues via emails but no one understands. They think life is peachy. Well it is, in a sense. There are other people out there struggling. I just can't bear things sometimes. This constant feeling of inadequacy, not knowing when my next miserable modeling paycheck is due so I have to ask him for money. And here I am strutting around in fancy clothes like I own the world when I don't. When no one wants to listen me and give me a chance to work with them. Maybe I dont have enough drive? Am I useless?

Dear ... Boxing day

2010-12-27T20:38:00.003Z

So I did a bit of shopping. Not much in terms of high end items, just some shoes and makeup. But I also realise I don't have to spend it all in order to feel good about myself. Little bits of luxury here and there are fine but for now I need to work on myself, on my image for next year. And that includes how I want people to see me. Men and women but most importantly the professional environment. I have to stop worrying about if I am good enough. I know I am. I am letting my anxiety take over that.

Dear ... what is wrong with me right now?

2010-12-24T19:27:00.003Z

OK maybe I am reaching obsession mode because I know that he is out there somewhere having the time of his life with some idiot girls or probably with family but as usual his New Years will be a blast and mine will be dismal. He already has an extravagant lifestyle on a regular basis but why am I selling myself short? He is being sparse and vague and quite frankly uncaring with his texts I shouldn't bother sending him a merry christmas text at that. Fuck you, why is this getting to me? Ugh. Let me make use of boxing day sales and hope some retail therapy will cheer me up and I can always ask for money in the New Year because the least I can do for myself is take care of my own feelings. But it's hard knowing he is indifferent to being with one woman, so knowing that he is with someone justifies me filling that void with money. It's time to get tough!

Dear ... holiday season

2010-12-23T17:22:00.002Z

Here comes that time of the year I hate the most. Nothing has changed, in fact I feel each Christmas has gone downhill since being here. I have no family around me, my flatmate has gone to see her's and I feel like shit. I can't even think of the boxing days sales without feeling depressed at all the things I want but can't afford despite the markdown. Well, I could afford some stuff thanks to my "allowance" but then it will be a matter of writing that dreaded email asking for money again. And I don't feel like I worked hard for it. I know a lot of girls, and by that maybe I should say gold-diggers or want-to-be trophy girlfriends, who would kill to be in my position whereby I get some money now and then to pay rent and do a bit of shopping and traveling. But I want those few thousand bucks in my account to be because of a month's hard work! I know this sounds silly but I like Kim Kardashian because she is a business woman, so when she feels like buying herself a Bentley or a house it's because she can because she worked hard for it !!!

I should be having a decent job by now, despite being in my early 20s. There are girls out there my age making it big. Ok, fashion wise it tends to be It-girls who land contracts left, right and center so they are not a plausible example but what the fuck am I supposed to do in order to get someone's attention. I got a rejection letter back from a well-known magazine saying I was not qualified for the position, which technically was just a placement for anyone 18 and over to gain work experience. How the HELL am I not the right candidate for work experience?!?! I would really like to look into seeing a shrink to find out what's wrong with me because I must be doing something wrong to not be recognized for what I can do. I sure as hell don't want recognition when I am damn near 40 !!!

Dear ... I just want to chop myself into a million pieces

2010-12-07T21:08:00.004Z

Right now I feel like the most unproductive, useless human being on the planet. What have I done with my life? Zilch? I decided not to go to class today because I was that undetermined.

I have no best friend. The few friends I have are off doing their own thing and these are people I could not, NEVER, tell my deepest secrets to because I can't even rely on them to come with me to an event or gallery on a weekend. I have no boyfriend. And no I don't give a fuck about the whole "you'll find someone when you least expect it" speech. I feel used by men, maybe I have a sign on my forehead that says "Fuck once and move on". The only relationship I am in is with my sugar daddy. I don't know how much he cares about me. Will he still string me along with all the other women he screws? I justify asking money from him from when I know he plans on meeting his other women or giving them money. And yeah you can sit there and preach being independet but I'm sorry the peanuts I make being a "model" can barely cover groceries for a month, let alone pay rent, so no thanks I don't plan on being homeless right now, because the only thing that would keep me afloat would be prostitution. And I can't even enjoy taking an interest in hobbies because there is a little voice in my head saying you need to be working and get serious. Well Christ, what work can I get in the fashion industry when people don't want to pay?! Not even an internship in sight. I feel so stupid. Like some stupid pretty girl only good to look at, party with, screw and ignore and be flaky about meeting up for lunch with. I look at those fashion blogger girls with envy. How do they do it? What do they have that I don't?

Dear ... on to the next chapter

2010-12-04T17:13:00.004Z

Ok, I took a dive and texted him and I think I've answered my own questions and doubts and realised he is not worth my time anymore. If he is being a pussy because he was lousy in bed then that's his fucking problem. Guys my age just don't know how to handle a situation with a woman. Well, now I need to move on to bigger and better things. I can't wait for my next trip to just get out of here for a while. I really want to meet new people and make new friends. Not like people whose idea of calling you to go out is when they have an agenda (rich guys) and they want you to tag along. I haven't gone out in a while though I know I am not missing anything specail. Same shit, just in a different outfit each weekend. Ugh. Would my life be more meaningful if I were one of those poor students on a budget who can only afford cheap cocktails in places where you can come in jeans? Or is there meaning SOMEWHERE amongst these euro boy idiots showing up to clubs in fancy cars surrounded by bitchy girls who can't even say hi to you at a club, without thinking you are there to steal her man? I can't help it if I work in fashion and I hang out in expensive fancy areas because I can afford to and that's my lifestyle. I am more what you would call an Upper East Side girl than one from Brookyln. Is that a crime?! Help !

Dear ... who do you love more and why?

2010-11-27T00:36:00.002Z

Ugh !!! I can't believe you give her that much money each time? Or does she not ask for it on the regular? Well then in that case, two can play that game. I think I need a little bonus before Christmas. It's so fun having access to your email. It makes me feels less guilty for living my own life on the side knowing that if you are fucking around, then so can I and I may as well take advantage of that.

Dear ... I want to be your girlfriend

2010-11-24T20:33:00.009Z

How stupid and irritated at myself do I feel for getting involved with a guy who I think is a bit of a coward (according to others shy) to confront me about the way we are hooking up? Ok, so on two occasions he was rather lousy in bed but whenever we bump into each other it's all Hi how are you? blah blah. like come one are you a prick or is this blushing bride method you are using truly the way you interact with girls? Fuck !

I think because it's winter and getting cold and work is few and far between I am desperate to make him like me or in fact A guy like me. I want to be taken seriously and not just one of those pretty models in a top club sipping champagne all night.

If anything I want to teach him how to have sex for Christ's sake ! It would be one thing if he was good in bed and it was a once off casual experience but this is one of those instances where I need to just speak up once and for all and let him know how I feel !

Dear ... modelling career

2010-11-10T23:29:00.003Z

Where the fuck am I going with this modelling shin-dig? I haven't had a job in, um a month I think and no castings so far this week. I'm trying to work on my CVs, i.e. doing other shit but what's there to do? Another round of rejection, no replies then only to have people around you say "Oh you are so smart, you are more than qualified... blah blah blah". Oh please, you need to know people plus I feel like some people probably see my potential but shut it down because they know I can do something big. So tired of my agent right now. I need a game plan. I need to start earning big bucks pronto !

Most of all I need to get laid on a regular basis. I think being surrounded by couples during winter and seeing them (um, my flatmate) cuddle up in bed all day or do warm fuzzy feeling things is making me long for someone. God, at least if I had a job I wouldn't give a shit !

Dear ... you don't know what you're missing

2010-10-30T14:29:00.003+01:00

I am so tired of this on and off thing with this young guy I have been hooking up with. He is my age acts kind of shy but at the same time it's like I fucked you the last couple of weeks and you say hi to me tonight but can't hang out for 5 minutes? Ugh. This is why I date older men. And another thing is his lack of drive in bed ! I have to wonder if he is inexperienced or what because really now, you brought me home for 10 minutes of fondling and you can take it all the way home?! I'm done here.

Dear ... misunderstood

2010-10-17T23:35:00.003+01:00

Sometimes people pretend to be listening to you when they are not. Or am I just not making myself clear? I feel like my guy is a bit distant lately. It worries me naturally for many reasons, one of them mainly being financial. Sad but true. And on the other hand I am still in this crazy loop with this guy my age who just doesn't know what he wants. I mean we slept together and we texted after. Then I see him out clubbing, one might my friend and I joined him and his friends and he is all touchy feely, then the next time around ... ugh. You would have to see it to know what I mean. And he is on my mind constantly. Normally I don't give a shit about young guys when I have an older wealthier man but it's one of those things were for once I want to hang out with someone goofy, someone to joke with and not feel the pressure to act like an older woman. Or maybe it's me wanting a boyfriend my age to make having an older lover, easier? I dunno.

Dear ... taking advantage of opportunity

2010-10-09T21:12:00.002+01:00

I am trying to find a way to take advantage of my current situation. Here I am with access to money that few people my age would dream of. Ok, it's not a trust fund but it is someone I know who would give me the cash if I had a great idea. I am at a point in my life where it has suddenly only hit me now that I should have been saving from a long time ago. My brain is racked with frustration because I am thinking here comes another winter season of me doing possibly very little modelling work and trying to make ends meet and partying with random fake people. Like the other night, when I was told to bring only pretty friends or models. Like are you fucking serious?! fuck off. ugh.

But I am excited about tomorrow though. I hope it's the start of something good !

Dear ... you loved someone once

2010-09-21T20:17:00.003+01:00

He loved someone once, I saw it in the letter. She had an effect on him . Why don't I have that effect on her? Is it because she was a liar just like him which made him feel insecure? That was 5 years ago. Now it all makes sense. But it still doesn't make it right.

Dear ... you shameless, heartless prick

2010-09-20T20:24:00.005+01:00

I just want to thank you Stephanie for your comment. It made me feel like I am not alone. People who have not been through what I am going through do not understand. What started off as a great weekend leading to a great Monday has ended up like shit. Yes I intentionally opened Pandora's box only because I was curious of the events surrounding a certain "situation". Let's just say this coming weekend I WAS supposed to be off on an amazing trip to the Mediterranean with him. I'm talking 5 star shit. Ok, he dropped a comment about his friend bringing other females and I thought Oh God I hope he does not have the nerve to think I am going to be down with anything like that. It's one thing to know he has a chick in 2 or 3 other cities (and I wouldn't be surprised if it were here as well) but it's another to flaunt his "free thinking" in front of my face.

Anyway, I can't go to this trip. It's partially to do with it being last minute and let's just say immigration is a bitch. But what hurts the most is seeing his email about meeting some fugly slut tomorrow evening and when I call him he tells me he will be travelling tomorrow. This confirmed the email and I kind of expected this response but I was THIS close to screaming "Hey that's ok since I can't go I am sure you can take that whore with you in my place instead huh ?!?!" Oh and you know what's fucking sweet? I wrote to the bitch to let her know what's up. She probably knows but if she had no clue before now she fucking knows she is not the only one he is fucking. Let me exhale and open up a savings account so that I can at least fill my piggy bank up if I cannot be fulfilled emotionally. I love him but I hate him sometimes. I'm glad I know this. Two can play the game.

Dear ... Thank God it's Friday

2010-09-09T18:03:00.004+01:00

I am just going to dance away any sorrows I have had recently. I went away on a trip and a saw a bit of the light. Not all of it, but some. Work is a bit better. Love isn't but I am not focusing on love right now. I am focusing on me

Dear ... finding out things you shouldn't know

2010-09-01T09:38:00.003+01:00

So I put two and two together and accessed his email account. Yes, I knew there was one or two other women in the picture but Jesus to see him be so desperate as to be hooking up with another girl in the same city as me a few days ago !!? And he sends 2 girls the same photo of himself. Well then after my little discovery which I kind of knew about but not to this extent, I have decided to enjoy the financial ride as much as I can. He seems happy to be a cash machine to the other women I don't see why I should feel guilty about asking him for cash from time to time. If he can't commit emotionally to me, then let him commit financially. The only "good" thing about this whole situation I put myself in is the fact that he feels like he is getting old and needs to screw everything in a skirt. I fucking hate him right now and want revenge !

Dear... confusion

2010-08-08T01:23:00.004+01:00

So after months of communication and me thinking that I would have left him by Christmas, I had sex with R the other day. When we were in the moment it was good, I just did not appreciate the long, drawn-out foreplay which to me means an emotional connection, which I am afraid to say I feel none to him. The emotional connection I want is with someone else. Someone I know will only love me as a person or casual lover but not as his only partner. Thus I seek solace through sex with others in the hope that it will help ease the pain. I take comfort in knowing that at least my financial security is based on me having to "share" him with others.

I miss the days of college when I dated boys my age. I want someone to love me. To say that I am the only one and that they love me and want to be with me, go with me places. I still find myself longing for J and sending drunk texts to what I think is his number. It's almost been a year. There must be something wrong with my head?

Dear ... self esteem

2010-08-02T13:57:00.002+01:00

I hate him sometimes. I hate how wealthy he is and how dependent on him I am, that I have to let things slide, like him having a string of women in different cities. I hate checking my mail and opening his to find some love letter from another girl, who is either stupid enough to think she is the only one, or knows the game and plays it better than me. I have known this for a long time but there is always something new and hurtful that bothers like.

Like the fact that he is going on vacation and has business to do, and I feel like he doesn't take the hint that I want to go with him. He did promise me after all. Maybe just accepting his money is the best revenge of all. I mean, I do see this one guy on the side but I have less of an emotional attachment to him and if we never met again I would still survive. And to think I keep brushing off young cute guys my age (ok some of them are playboys) but for once I would like to have an equal amount of power as the guy I am with. Am I afraid of being too clingy or losing the financial comforts of being with him? I mean it's been almost 2 years, so I know I am ok, but how long before shit hits the fan? I don't even want to think about that. Life would be so much better if I were financially independent, that way I wouldn't have to sacrifice my emotional independence. To think I used to hate girls like me.

Dear ... flatmates

2010-07-17T12:36:00.003+01:00

I cannot stand my flat mate ! Does she not understand the concept of a clean living space? Oh no of course she prefers to live in a pig sty and when it comes to dealing with the situation, she goes away to her boyfriends place for the weekend. Ugh, cannot wait to move into my own place.

Dear ... family

2010-06-22T19:10:00.003+01:00

Ok, so I don't come from a nuclear family because that got fucked up from day one, but I do come from one big crazy, irrational at times, slash why am I a part of this - type of family. Basically I am going to see my relatives whom I have not seen in 3D since like 2 years ago and that includes my mom. Last time I was home we got into a huge argument about life. In other words she likes to think of me as a child. And at that time I guess depending on her for cash put me in a "beggars can't be choosers" position. But when you now make more cash than your mom (because secretly one has an uber rich man) and you also drink, smoke, etc, how does one approach this subject in an easy manner? Like say if I am having wine (yep, drinking in front of her for the 1st time will be another "moment in history") with the family and go out to have a smoke and mom blows the roof. Do I respond:

(a) Um, did I not tell you before that I smoke so deal with it !! I am an adult you can't tell me what to do

(b) Put it out but smoke behind her back like a scared 14 year old

(c) suffer not smoking for a couple of weeks not only for my health but for her sake

Ummm right now I will go with (a) because as much as I am excited about this family reunion I am also not gonna change who I have become over the past couple of years for one individual who still wants to rule the roost. And yeah, did I mention I own expensive shit which I am contemplating taking / not taking on the basis of

(a) she needs to see how I live and what I have achieved on my own.

(b) she does not need to know I own a Chanel bag (amongst other brands) that probably costs the equivalent of her entire month's salary if not more coz then the questions start coming in.

What to do. How to behave?

Dear ... safe sex

2010-06-16T13:00:00.005+01:00

If there is a moment in my life when I feel like a dumb-ass, it is when that time of the year comes around for my all around check up. You know, going to the sexual health clinic and answering questions about sex and sometimes having to admit you didn't use protection with your partner. And the lady shakes her head and you know she is going to offer you a million condoms after the session. Well, to be honest I would have loved to break down and get all emotional on her and tell her how I will not use the birth control pill because until I find a guy dedicated to be my boyfriend (not fuck buddy) then the weight gain and nausea will be worth it. And that well, I am dating this uber rich older guy whom I have been seeing for over a year and sometimes we have anal sex, blah blah and I have fallen into him convincing me that he does not like condoms, blah blah. I only did this test because it was long due and my friends (who are in steady, loving no-fucking-other-girls relationships) did theirs. I am supposed to be a smart young woman, yet when it comes to sex I fuck it up. And here I am, high and mighty on my horse, looking down at 15 year olds having their second baby, living on welfare cheques and not knowing the risks of STDs.

Dear ... blank

2010-06-08T13:54:00.002+01:00

It has been a while since I posted, but that is becuase things have been going well. My trip abroad went well. It wasn't work related but I enjoyed it. Work here has been the same as usual, though again I am feeling the restlessness that comes with summer; people going away, having things to do and vacations booked. I have to sort out my work documents, as well as take an over due journey to see family. It's a mixture of excitement, nerves and anxiety. I still wish I was as busy as the other models around me who boast about being tired from working every single day of the week, or just having come from a fitting in Paris last night. I sometimes want to smack them in the face and tell them to shut the fuck up! It's as if they know I only work locally  and no one has bothered to send me over seas. I can make things happen on my own. It's been a year already and things need to change.

Dear ... lost in translation

2010-05-12T13:49:00.003+01:00

It's going to be exciting and scary being in a foreign country where I don't speak the language very well. Let's just say what they teach you in books is a far cry from reality. I hope people like me and I will be safe. I am a bit scared.

Dear ... my life is here

2010-05-06T17:39:00.002+01:00

I need to get my paperwork sorted if I am to continue living and working here. Right now it is borderline scary. I have been dealing with this for a few months now and I feel like it's all being left up to me to solve it. Hello?!! I need your help people at work!! And I thought my love life and financial woes where a problem now I have to add the possibility of immigration being an issue.

Dear ... depression

2010-04-25T14:46:00.003+01:00

I have this weird type of depression that I have been suffering ever since moving here. It comes up at night when I am about to go to bed and I start thinking of how many difficult things are out there. I know life is full of challenges but I feel like no one is even GIVING me a challenge. I have applied left, right and center for internships and have had no response. I look at my phone and look at the people who I actually know, including girls, and it's all down to one hand. Everybody else just calls or texts me to go clubbing. There is no one who would genuinely want to go to an exhibition with me on a Sunday afternoon, without pretending to pull the "oh I just saw your text" bullshit. Yeah 5 hous later !!! And then they can't make it because of blah blah blah. And this Friday two of my girlfriends had improptu dates with their boyfriends and I had no Plan B at all. My guy is away with family and even we aren't a proper couple. I felt like one of those 60 year-old women stuck at home with their cats. And now I don't have the energy to study. I have a casting for a well-known lingerie company tomorrow but I feel like it's gonna be the same old crap. It doesn't help I have been stuffing my face all week with no exercise. I feel like a fat cow. And to think a few days ago I was perfectly happy. Maybe I need to see a shrink.

Dear ... so far so good

2010-04-22T20:42:00.004+01:00

So far things have been going well. I have been working little jobs here and there. I will be taking a trip soon to an "exotic land" so to speak. I feel loved by my man more each day and I have started getting better at saving money. Three cheers for me !

Dear ... why can't I be?

2010-04-02T15:53:00.006+01:00

Why can't I be one of those cool skinny models who are making big buck$ not pocket money jobs like me?

Why can't I be the poor model who makes it big and along the way marries a Prince or Lord and has gorgeous children with?

Why can't I be talented at something or good at a skill that can get me paid work?

Sometimes I feel as if I was just born to look pretty and that's it. Not even my "enviable" looks are getting me anywhere. How long have I been modeling and I still haven't made a decent salary to live on every month. I am lucky to have a man in my life who pays my rent. I worry that may end and I'll have to start whoring myself for money. Sometimes I feel so insecure I think my agency does not believe in me. I look at other girls doing ads on TV and magazines and think "why not me?". Then I think of how good I was in high school and to a certain extent in university and wonder what went wrong? Why do I feel so useless?!

Dear ... how do I block your call?

2010-03-28T13:49:00.002+01:00

I need to find a way to block "R". I didn't have the guts to tell him I don't want to see him, I just want to do it the harsh way, which is not answering his calls but my iPhone doesn't have the ability to do that thanks to the network it's on. I guess I have to hear it ring for a while. Ugh.

Dear ... relapse

2010-03-17T13:07:00.005Z

You know if I were to see most girls in my situation I would think that they were in a sense pathetic. Don't get me wrong, I do have a life, but like a drug addict, I do suffer from relapses. I want to call "J" again. I know on New Years eve I  sent him a text and he sent me one back wishing me happy holidays, etc, but after that he has not communicated with me. And now I feel this urge to say hello, how have you been? etc. Except here is the part that makes me look even more desperate: I deleted his number and now I am going through my O2 bill online to find it. I have a few potential numbers, but I have even written in to O2 to give me details of texts I sent on December 31st, 2009. God, how sad do I sound?! Have I not gone through a lot of crap in my life to be able to move on? Something 2 days ago, triggered a memory of him. Well that and an ad on TV for the company he owns. So I find his number and then what? Say I just wanted to say hello or say what I really want to say:

I WANT YOU BACK !!!!

He probably doesn't remember me. He probably erased my number too and probably has a new girlfriend. Do I risk looking like a stalker / loser / imbecile or do I take a leap? HELP!! I have 8 numbers that I am about to go through today.

And yeah, I guess I am still in a bit of a love triangle right now. To be honest I want to replace "R" with "J", because I miss J and R is just not my type anymore. Here I go again, clasping at men for comfort. I need a day job. What is wrong with me?

Dear ... runaway bride

2010-03-10T13:42:00.004Z

I think this is all too much now. I feel like my mind is fucked up. I went from a night in a wonderful hotel with a guy I don't really like to taking it too far with a guy that wants to take things a lot more seriously than I do. Wasn't this supposed to be my backup plan? No, actually I think what I mean is this was supposed to be something temporary to boost my ego, now these two men are a little too involved in my life for my liking. I must seem pathetic not being able to say NO ! Leave me alone, don't call me. I want to get rid of "S". Pronto. Because right now I have shared too much of my feelings with "R" to the point where he can see a future for us. He is taking me away this weekend!!! And here I am willingly going because it's going to be a free trip to this new place and I am going to have to play at being in love. I don't love you "R". I like you a lot. I love someone else although I am afraid they may not love me. That's why I am leaning on you for support. I'm sorry.

Dear ... R, J, S and my man

2010-03-03T16:02:00.003Z

I can't believe to this day I still have a problem with letting go of relationships. Or at least little things trigger memories. Ok, it started off with getting a text from R this morning saying he has to cancel Friday's date because he realized a friend was coming from overseas to visit. Fine, though slightly pissed off, I am only pursuing him for self-assurance because I feel like I am not "my man's" number one priority right now. (Will I ever be? ) Then I was watching Will&Grace while making breakfast and an outfit that Will was wearing looked just like what J likes to wear most of the time. Remember J? The one who oozed English gentleman charm, and owns a company that is known world wide and I hated seeing ads of on TV when he "stopped calling". And there is S who I don't care much for but he has invited me to a weekend away at the beach. I'll go if I have nothing to do. All these men ... older men... are a way for me to feel a void I can't explain. I wish I were more financially independent that way I wouldn't be so emotionally dependent on them. I love this picture of model Lara Stone. She is many things I want to be. Successful, 32F breasts, a sexy voice and yeah I like the idea of being Dutch. Right now I am: broke and getting money from my man, small boobs, common accent and not Dutch and slightly depressed about life.

Dear ... Lolita

2010-03-01T13:06:00.003Z

Oh my goodness, you don't know how much I wanted to be in his arms last night. I have this fear of being alone or not knowing how my love life with "my man" will turn out that I try and reach for another human being in order to not feel lonely. And "R" has been coming to the cafe for months now, chatting with me from time to time and yesterday we spent the afternoon going out to exhibitions and eating. Then he came to my place and had tea. And I felt so silly because I practically wanted to hump him all day then when the moment came I was back to being all giggles. But we will see each other again. I need him more than, I think, he needs me. He is a fantasy being fulfilled but also a comfort zone. Because honestly I don't know where I am headed.

Dear ... so close you can almost taste it

2010-02-21T17:56:00.003Z

I am doing ok. I went shopping. It was great, though a small part of me thought I should save all this cash I was given to spend, even though "my man" did tell me you need to let go and shop till you drop !!! Which I did, there is still some left over.

But most importantly I feel like things are looking up for me in the fashion world. I did a show the other day and a casting with a big designer went well. I hope they call me back. Being on that show would be a big deal for me. It's Fashion Week but I feel slightly left out. So I am not a "show girl" seeing as I am not 5'10. I just can't wait for this to be over and for the regular work to start.

Dear ... because you are worth it

2010-02-15T19:00:00.003Z

This week I am celebrating ! The "man" in my life is substituting his absence with cash and said I should go crazy spending it. Though there is still a part of me that will save a little extra for that rainy day. To be honest with you my ideal gift would be an apartment, in my name of course. Let's be honest it's better to have a roof over your head. It's time to think big and smart.

Dear ... it's what's on the inside that counts

2010-02-11T16:03:00.003Z

R.I.P Alexander McQueen

It's not as peachy on the inside as it may look on the outside. We've all been there and for some of us close enough to that feeling of wanting to end it all. I never met McQueen but may he rest in peace.

Dear ... God, I hope you can hear me

2010-02-01T14:58:00.004Z

Today I got on my knees and prayed. Can't remember when the last time was. I prayed because for the first time in a long time I was scared about life. I usually pray during turbulence on a plane, because I HATE flying. But this time I was praying to be prepared in case if something bad happens. You see I am going through "heartache" so to speak. Remember the guy I am seeing and quite in love with but two days ago that photo of another woman on his phone made me sick inside? Well I am praying to get that image out of my mind and move on. I am praying to find a steady job because I think what if he is slowly leaving me for someone else and I'll have no one to help me. I know it sounds silly to pray about the guy who provides you with financial support, but it is also emotional. I am in love with him, or at least the idea of being in love with him is quite strong. I don't have a back-up plan, so really that is what I am praying for. A backup plan. Because in case someone knocks over my pedestal, I need to have a safety harness on.

Dear ... casual relationship

2010-01-31T15:34:00.004Z

I hate casual relationships. No matter how prepared you think you are for them something always comes back to bite you in the ass, or in my case punch you in the stomach. I am dating this guy because I like him and he likes me and of course he helps me out financially. But GODDAM !! It's one thing to dream about him cheating on you with other girls and another to actually see photos of a naked woman on his phone on holiday somewhere...FUCK FUCK FUCK! I felt so sick to my stomach. And why have I been so pious and brushing off other guys when he pretty much has a fuck buddy in every major city by the looks of it?!! Oh yeah he has tons of money and travels a lot for work and seeing as we don't socialize much with other people I can see what I am setting myself up for. I just want to scream. NO! Two can play the game. I can have the perks of fucking whoever I want whilst enjoying the benefits of this current "relationship".

Dear ... older men

2010-01-27T23:46:00.003Z

I don't know when or if I will ever get over this older man complex. I have tried dating guys my age but I find them immature and I'm always getting into arguments with them because when I speak my mind about something they go off! Plus guys in their early 20s are going through this phase where they try to act mature or boast about climbing the corporate ladder, blah, blah when they are far from it. Or at least treat you like one of their collection of girls to fuck after a night out. Like I give a shit about you having a table at a club!

I think older men have already gone through the entire manual of "The Female Species" or 90% of it to know what phase I am going through before they even ask. Plus they have more experience in life. Like "R" who I met at the cafe and saw again the other day after the holidays. I like him. We chat whenever we bump into each other. The other day we shared a table because it was crowded. He is cute for his age. I am not interested in a long term relationship with him though. I just want to sleep with him to see what he is like. Is that weird? Then again I just got my period and feeling a bit horny. What am I saying? I should be focusing on my own life right now. Why am I always seeking comfort from older men? You know I secretly wish to marry an older man, just so that I don't have to go through all that "young couples argument" crap people talk about. Fuck age! I want someone who is already 100% sure of himself because I am too damn emotional to be dealing with someone else's problems.

Dear ... I'm so broke it's not even funny

2010-01-24T03:24:00.004Z

Oh my God! Whoever said "life is not about money, so long as you have blah blah blah" must have been seriously high! I am literally counting the days until I have to pay my rent just so that I am not tempted to spend it. Today I actually used the calculator on my iPhone when getting groceries and having run out of my fancy face wash I cringed at the thought of having to spend £3 on a face wash, which I normally wouldn't bat an eyelid about. So now minus the rent money I will have roughly £20 until the end of the month. I have a food supply plus I figured now is a good time to get into character and pretend to be anorexic. All I can do is pray my applications went well and for someone to call me back and say "Hey, we'd like to hire you when can you start?" And for my knight in shining armor to help me out ... again. Ugh. I feel so low right now. And I have all these projects that will eventually need money to get them going. I am actually considering returning an unworn pair of pants I bought recently to get some extra cash.

Dear ... personal project

2010-01-21T11:57:00.003Z

I am excited and nervous about my personal project. All I can say is I hope a year from now it becomes successful enough for me to be ranting about how I have to get this and that order out in time for so and so to wear! Well to be honest, I hope it's successful in the sense that I make some money. I am already this close to working with people and a part of me thinks maybe I rushed into it too fast or what if it does not come out the way I envisioned in my head? The point is, I have short-term and long-term goals and let's just say one of those goals is to have that ridiculous over-bleached Hollywood grin on my face because I own some sort of business empire. And Robin Leach will be talking about MY "champagne wishes and caviar dreams". Mwahaha. No seriously

Dear ... cruel irony (or something like it)

2010-01-18T16:31:00.003Z

Shit. Shit. Shit ! This was bound to happen. These are moments when I wish I had a twin! Here I am doing my own thing on the side to further my career and pretty much bound by moral though thankfully not legal obligations (but close enough) to do this one project and now I get an email from "my superiors" asking me to show up to what may be a potential job. In the world of fashion & entertainment where one competes with a billion other fishes, this time one little fish has SPECIFICALLY been summoned by the big sharks and that fish is me. Oh and it gets better. My side project and this gig (if I get chosen) are on the SAME FREAKIN' DAY !!!

I don't even know if I'm getting paid for this thing or not?! So I'm thinking let me go and see what it's about and unless it's a six figure salary I'm just going to pull the lousiest fake cough on the planet to get out of it. Fuck my life.

Dear ... hang over

2010-01-16T16:01:00.003Z

It's 4pm and I've only been awake for 2 hours. Trying to work on my secret project. I had a lovely chat with my mom last night before I went out. Then I had cocktails galore last night, with this guy, who thought was going to get some late night action. Umm, he was married, or in his words separated from his wife. Eww. He had the nerve to tell me this and STILL want to sleep with me?! Hahaha. Thanks for the memories but I really...don't....think so buddy. And this sandwich and Kiwi fruit juice is not helping my hang over. ouch.

Dear ... men and "J" in particular

2010-01-15T16:46:00.003Z

Men are assholes. Not all men, but for the most part. Even the older ones who are supposed to know their place in life and know what they want from a woman still act like stupid little boys who want to have their cake and eat it too. "J" you obviously have a way with words. Telling me you really like me. Always ending your text with an "x". I called you and thought you would call me back. You haven't. You obviously just had to say something nice from time to time. And what's more annoying is that although I don't see you around all the time I see your fuckin' brand that you own on TV almost every goddam day ! Is it God's way of laughing in my face or am I supposed to get used to seeing it so much that I become numb to it? I wish I never met you. Why the hell did you bother me while I was minding my own business listening to my ipod?! Oh yeah I remember you just wanted a good fuck in bed and I guess I fell for it. Asshole.

Dear ... I suck

2010-01-11T15:43:00.003Z

So I didn't fall at today's casting but it would have been better than my embarrassing pause I made right in front of "them". What a dumb ass. How long have I been doing this?! Well I know for sure I am not getting that gig. I'll be eternally broke. Why do I feel like everyone else at these things is better than me? Hey I'm not 5'11 so give me a break ! What is my purpose on this planet?

Dear ... being skinny

2010-01-08T17:35:00.003Z

I know it's not a good idea but ever since the new year I have been so stressed about a lot of things not going right or not going anywhere in my life that I have started a low calorie diet. Last night I had 2 cans of Heinz soup instead of half a can. I felt so bloated I actually took laxatives. And all I've had so far today is kiwi juice. I am just telling myself that until x ,y and z get done I will put myself on a strict liquid diet. At least this way I have a focus on something.

Dear ... artificial beings

2010-01-05T16:54:00.003Z

This is the first time in my life when I feel life would be so much better and easier if I were born from some computer program. No past, no parents. Just a blank screen ready to absorb information. I say this because despite having a good start to the new year, there are some old things which crept up on me. Things that I can't change or should I say things that refuse to change. Those things are in particular two human beings called mom and "dad". What kind of parent refuses to see their child face to face but would rather send a text when something urgent comes up? And what kind of man breeds left, right and center whilst refusing to take responsibility for it?

So here's to pushing the DELETE button on both of you. You proved your point. I put up with your shit but when I asked you to change ONE fucking thing, it was just too much for you! And you had to go and play the victims.

Dear ... new decade

2010-01-01T15:35:00.006Z

I sent a very clear message to two people I've known practically all my life about how they have affected my life. So far one response, that pretty much confirmed what I expected. So I told person no.1 thank you and that he is now officially out of life. Goodbye you.

But on the plus side "J" does not hate me after all.

And on another plus side we have another 365 days of fun, joy, sadness, hardship, goals, duties and excitement to take advantage of !

Dear ... Financial security

2009-12-29T19:53:00.005Z

Today's events have led me to seriously re-assess my life. Yes life is about fun and games when you are young, but youth does not last forever. I know that these are the best years of my life but this past year has not felt like it. I have not achieved the success that I wanted in work, let alone climbed one quarter of the ladder in my "career". A career which my bank is starting to raise an eyebrow to seeing as it's not a 9 to 5 job that brings in x amount each month, so they have decided I am not entitled to certain privileges yet. I am amazed by how long I have lasted in such a rather expensive city, traveling from time to time, shopping and partying. Yes, when one is a fairly attractive girl a lot of things are free, but I'm no trust fund baby either. I get by from the parents and "the boy's " help, but for someone who worships the Church of Independent Women I am its biggest hypocrite. A fraud! I need a new job. A proper income. I need to know that if I want to go here or do that or buy this, I don't need to ask anybody for money or have my bank treat me like a minor who needs parental consent !

Dear ... 2010

2009-12-28T16:50:00.004Z

I am ready to ring in the New Year. Forget about the past. Let's all apologize and move forward. Those who have given you stress and don't add value to your life, kick them to the curve ! I am packing a bag and going to my destination where magic will happen, because for me, 2010 is about making things happen. Don't wait for it, go and get it.

Dear ... December 25th

2009-12-25T16:38:00.004Z

I am counting down the hours and minutes until this day is over. It's too much for me. It doesn't feel like Christmas and I am so tired of all the Merry Christmas messages on facebook. Even my family sounds less than enthusiastic on the other side of the telephone. This after a dozen attempts at trying to reach them. Seven and a half hours to go. These are times when I wish I were Jewish.

Dear ... celebrity offspring

2009-12-20T17:01:00.004Z

I cannot stand some of those self-righteous brats who think they are an expert on everything without having to tow the line like the rest of us. And even more pathetic are the magazines, brands and modeling agencies who hire them and pay them ridiculous amounts of money, despite the fact that they are set to inherit MILLIONS !

These so called "it girls" who overnight become the editors of magazines, land a cover or campaign despite being way below the minimum height for a model or having only 2 seconds of experience in publishing but now want to declare themselves the Anna Wintours of pop culture/fashion magazines. I feel sorry for bright new models who get turned away because "daddy" does not bring in publicity. And the poor girl, guy or gay who has been interning at "X" for a year or more with no pay but come Monday morning he has to prepare the new office for so and so's daughter.

And does it stop there? No. Now they will be showing at London, New York or Paris Fashion Week , alongside designers who were slaving away in dingy ateliers before they were even a fully developed fetus. Lindsay Lohan is famous in her own right, but being appointed creative director or whatever it is at Emanuel Ungaro? Really?! Could they not have at least waited until she made some "collection" or interned for 72 hours at some fashion house?!

But then they want to turn around and use the excuse of "I don't rely on my parents' name to get where I am". Bullshit. And I guess if brands, magazines and agencies are desperate enough, let them. I just hope one day the public wakes up and asks them what the hell they have done for society lately to deserve this accolade?

Dear ... fame & fortune

2009-12-19T19:17:00.005Z

I have just about fucking had it with playing nice in this industry. If I have to push my way to the top, then so be it. I apologize in advance for those of you who I may have to use to get to someone more important and more influential. I'm channeling my inner bitch for 2010. About goddam time she came out and handled business !

Dear ... Christmas & New Years

2009-12-16T16:15:00.006Z

It is almost Christmas and soon it will be New Years, and I do not have any plans. My family is, how can I put it, all over the place and I am here. Everyone is asking the big question of

"What are your plans?"

I don't have any.

I'm not doing the big family dinner because that table has been vacant for years, or at least I should say my seat has been collecting cobwebs. But I also keep telling myself I don't believe in Christmas anyway. New Years is more important.

Ok, they ask "What are your plans for New Years?"

I don't have any, yet.

In the back of my mind I am hoping my knight in shining armor will whisk me away somewhere special, but my knight has other duties. Duties that I am aware of but not a part of. My friends' knights are free to come to their rescue and unfortunately there is no room on the white horse for one more damsel.

So for now I will sit inside my tower. Waiting. And dreaming of a table with people and laughter and someone kissing the back of my neck ,sitting next to me and wishing me Happy Holidays.

Dear ... things that make me want to scream

2009-12-15T15:54:00.003Z

I am so pissed off by the lack of progress with certain things and bullshitting human beings in my life that I just want to find an open space and scream ! I am not saying I am free of any blame for not taking the bull by the horns but there are people out there who are not doing their part too.

I want to scream at the people who made empty promises and lied to me behind my back

I want to scream at the pricks who caused the recession because thanks to them I have to hear the "sorry we can't afford to take on any new people" speech despite being fuckin' overqualified

I want to scream for being "somewhat unemployed", whilst assholes out there are ripping off the welfare system and getting a paycheck for doing nothing or having babies. Well EXCUSE me if the government didn't give me money on my 16th birthday and each year there after for using contraception !

I want to scream at the noisy fuckers who make noise in my apartment building but unfortunately the building management is away on holiday till January

I want to scream at certain people in my family for hiding secrets from me. Like a week ago I found out something about someone I love dear

And most of all I want to scream at myself for not being.. I don't know... tougher I guess ?

Dear ... sexual fantasies

2009-12-14T13:23:00.004Z

Sex truly can be monotonous after a while. I've been having fantasies about a bunch of guys in my life, despite the fact that I am seeing someone. It's casual, technically. The point is I have been fantasizing all sorts of role play with random strangers in the hopes of getting my mojo back. Last night I fantasized about being shagged by 10 guys all at the same time. Hmmm

Dear ... diet

2009-12-13T12:35:00.004Z

It's all about self control. I can do it this time. Yes, I can.

Dear ... The One

2009-12-12T14:32:00.003Z

It is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. Is it? I don't know. Sometimes I don't think so. Every time I have loved, somebody hurt me or left me. Now I always keep one hand on the rail in case the rug is pulled under me. But it hurts to not be able to completely let go. When will I find "the one" ? Can I at least get the one who will hang around for a year or so? The one who will call me his girlfriend? The one who will invite me to hang out with his friends and not avoid hanging out with my friends? The one who will travel with me somewhere? The one who will love me even at my worst and not always expect me to be at my best?  I think maybe I'll be alone for a while. I don't know how long though.

Dear ... "J"

2009-12-11T13:01:00.003Z

I think "J" doesn't like me that much. Talk about first impressions. That did not go down too well. The ball was in my court but I have gradually lost it and I feel sometimes I score too many own goals. My team sucks and his is perfect. I wish I could press rewind but I can't. You know the phrase "just shoot me now" when you've dug yourself into a deep hole? Yeah, I'm there.

I'm in this shitty shit hole. Sometimes I wish I were invisible so that I could go over to "J" and whisper I'm sorry. I'm just pissed off a lot of the time and it just happens.

Why do I even give a shit what "J" thinks about me? Other than the fact that "J" is an important person. And I've just fucked up one of the most important interviews of my life. About 8 times.

Dear ... what does life have in store for me

2009-12-11T02:26:00.004Z

Sometimes I don't know what I am doing here. I have had so much time to think, I am getting bored of thinking. I've tried to do things but people here do things differently. Well, it's the same but different. I have a few friends but I miss my real friends. Work is hard and sometimes doesn't even exist. It's all about money, money, here.

And I think certain people don't know me. How I feel. My anger, anxiety, that sometimes I accidentally take it out on them. Or I think one thing but it comes out as another. I feel like I am lost in translation. I hope they will understand what I am trying to say and not end up hating me. I don't want to feel alone.